The Deserving
Poor
‘Good morning Mr
Skiver. Please take a seat. Thank you for coming
to the job centre for this interview.'
‘What’s this all
about then? Are you gonna cut me benefits?’
‘I’m here to
reassess your benefits, Mr Skiver. It’s part
of the government’s policy to target welfare
resources in the fairest manner.’
‘But I ‘ad an
interview last week. They worked out then ‘ow
much I was gonna get.’
‘That was your financial
assessment, Mr Skiver. The sum calculated last
week is the maximum that can be paid to someone
in your circumstances if they have a DP of one
hundred percent.’
‘What’s a DP?’
‘It stands for “Deservability
Percentage”. It quantifies the extent to
which claimants can be described as deserving
poor, and benefits are reduced accordingly.’
‘Deserving poor?’
‘Some people fall on
hard times, Mr Skiver, due to circumstances
beyond their control. For example, an honest,
hardworking man might be made redundant due to
the closure of a factory in an area where there
is little other employment. Common humanity
demands that such a person should be helped by
the state until he can find another way to make
an income. Other people, however, have only
themselves to blame for their poverty. It is
surely unfair if the idle and shiftless receive
the same benefits as unlucky, industrious members
of society. Don’t you agree?’
‘I’ve tried to
get work, but there ain’t no jobs.’
‘There are hundreds of
vacancies on the books of this job centre.’
‘Yea, but I don’t
‘ave the right skills. It ain’t my
fault that I weren’t no good at school.’
‘I’m glad you
raised the subject of school, Mr Skiver, as it
brings me to the contents of this folder that’s
on the desk in front of me.’
‘What’s in that
folder?’
‘Your school reports.
They show that you were not as stupid as you now
appear to be. You failed to get any useful
qualifications as you wasted your time at school
and were disinclined to make any effort.’
‘I tried really ‘ard,
'onest, but the teachers didn’t teach the
lessons proper, and so I never learnt nuffin.’
‘You mucked about in
class all the time and never paid any attention.’
‘Like when?’
‘Like when you set
fire to Johnson’s exercise books in the
chemistry lab. If you’d spent as much time
studying as you’d spent bullying Johnson,
you’d be the CEO of your own company by now.’
‘Stinky Johnson was a
wanker. Anyway, how’d you know about ‘im?
I told ‘im I’d frow ‘im out o’
the school library window again if he ever told
anyone. … 'Ang on, don’t I know you
from somewhere?’
‘I’m sorry, I
didn’t introduce myself properly at the
start of this interview. My name is Montague
Johnson. You can call me Sir.’
‘Stinky Johnson - well
I’ll be damned.’
‘I certainly hope so.
In the meantime, however, I need to review this
benefits claim form of yours that I’m
holding.’
‘Why are you putting
it in that wastepaper bin, and what are you doing
with that box of matches?’
‘Splendid, your claim
form and all the rest of your records burn almost
as well as my GCE coursework did.’
‘You bastard!’
‘Mind your language.
Abuse of job centre staff is taken very seriously.
If I report you for foul language, your benefits
will be stopped, and no future claim forms of
yours will be processed.’
‘What do I do now? If
I don’t get them benefits, I’ll starve.’
‘You need to get a new
claim form from our other office.’
‘Where’s that?’
‘It’s just down
the street. Come over to the window and I’ll
point it out.’
‘I can’t see
where you mean.’
‘Lean out of the
window a little more.’
‘Aghhhhhhhhhhh!!’
‘Excellent. Can you
hear me down there? I’ll just throw your
documents down to you. Be careful, the wastepaper
bin is still hot. I suggest you don’t tell
anyone about this or the DP assessment on your
next claim will be zero.’
‘Ow! I think me leg’s
broken.’
‘There’s a bit of
a draft in here, and I can hear someone coming. I
think I’ll close the window.'
‘Ah, Mr Johnson, I’m
sorry to keep you waiting. Enjoying the view from
the window I see. My name is Hughes. Please sit
down. This interview is to help you complete your
benefits claim.’
‘Thank you Mr Hughes.
I’ve just moved to this area looking for
work, you see. I was made redundant from a
factory up north that closed down, and there was
no other work around there.’
‘Out of interest, what
made you come to this area?’
‘There are a lot of
jobs on your books that I’m qualified for,
but also I went to school near here.’
‘Ah yes, when I showed
you into this interview room ten minutes ago, you
said you recognised one of the other people in
the waiting room. Did you see where Mr Skiver
went, by the way? My colleague was intending to
interview him about a claim he made last week,
but he seems to have disappeared. His benefits
file that was on the reception desk seems to have
vanished too.’
‘I believe he has an
urgent hospital appointment. After that I think
he might want to make a new claim, although I’m
not sure he’s too keen about coming back
here.’
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