A Thorough
Explanation
by Michael A. Kechula
“Who's in
our bed hiding under the covers?” Cynthia
shouted, pointing a pistol at Harry.
“It
ain’t a woman. Honest.”
“Damn
liar!”
“Please…let
me explain. This is gonna be hard to believe, but
when I left Clancy’s Pub, a giant preying
mantis jumped me. It said, ‘I’m an
ambassador from Mars. I’m lost. Help me. I
need a place to rest. Take me home with you.’
I was too scared to say no. I mentioned how scary
it looked, and if somebody spotted it in my car,
they’d probably call a SWAT team. It told me
not to worry, that it could change its appearance,
but wanted some suggestions. I thought of you and
showed it your picture. It rubbed its antennae
together, and all of a sudden your identical twin
was sitting next to me, but without any clothes.
“Say your
prayers, Harry.”
“Don’t
shoot! I’m telling the truth. When we got
here, it saw your picture on the
mantle—the one from when you were a high
school cheerleader. Suddenly, it changed itself
into a replica of you as a cheerleader. Since it
was still naked, I got your old cheerleader
uniform from the attic.”
“How much
did you pay this filthy street walker?” she
asked.
He ignored the
question. “There it was, wearing your
cheerleader outfit. A perfect duplicate of you at
eighteen. You sure looked hot back then. Got me
excited. I carried it to the bedroom. Thought I
was gonna…you know what…until reality
struck. ‘This ain’t my wife when she
was a teenager,’ I told myself. ‘This
is a giant Martian preying mantis posing as her.
I gotta control myself. I don’t wanna father
a big alien bug.’ But I put it in our bed,
becau se it was tired, which is why it came here
in the first place. Then I went to the kitchen,
made a sandwich, and went outside to catch flies.
That’s what preying mantises eat. Right
before you walked in the bedroom, I sat on the
bed to give it some flies. I didn’t do
anything wrong. Honest.”
“You’re
the liar of the century. Hey, Bitch! Get outta my
bed! I wanna see your mangy face.”
The covers
flew off.
“Good
lord! I can’t believe my eyes!” Cynthia
exclaimed. “This is amazing. I forgot how
beautiful I used to be. I’m gonna get my
camera.”
While her
duplicate posed, Cynthia snapped dozens of
digital pictures.
“Let me
show you how we used to cheer for the team,”
she said. “Can you kick your legs up high?
Can you wiggle your bottom? Can you say, GO TEAM
GO?”
The duplicate
did everything perfectly.
“This is
incredible,” Cynthia said.
She whispered
into her copy’s ear. It nodded.
“Permanently?”
Cynthia asked.
It nodded
again.
Cynthia shot
Harry in the head. She and the duplicate buried
him in the back yard.
When both
jumped into bed, Cynthia sighed and said, “I
always wanted to marry Tom Cruise.”
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