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Bizarre Behavior
by Michael A. Kechula

Few knew Santa Claus was born in Tahiti and lived there for hundreds of years. Even fewer knew he wore only grass skirts, was beardless, employed human union workers in his toy factories, used horse-driven carriages to haul gifts, and that he delivered presents to children by entering homes through front doors.

One Christmas Eve while delivering toys in Haiti, he was ambushed by famished zombies who had no respect for anybody. Those nasty creatures bit his skull open, used razor sharp ice cream scoops to tear out his brains, and ate every scrap.

This happened when Santa left the final house of 82,756,281 houses on his route. If those zombies had jumped him sooner, lots of kids wouldn’t have received presents that year, and would’ve been very sad. To the credit of those rotten zombies, at least they jumped him at the end of his route. Undoubtedly, that would have been brought up in their defense, if they’d ever been found, arrested, and appeared in court.

Fortunately, Santa’s brainless body was quickly discovered. Even more fortunately, Haiti was the home of Dr. Frankenfutz of the Frankenfutz Institute for Brain Swaps. He just happened to have a wonderful selection of fresh brains on hand. All came from villagers killed during a terrible earthquake.

When Santa’s grass-skirt-clad body arrived at the Institute, Frankenfutz performed emergency surgery to give him a new brain. After eighteen grueling hours, Frankenfutz declared the operation a success.

Upon Santa’s recovery, instead of returning to his native Tahiti, he hitchhiked to the North Pole. When he arrived, he traded his grass skirt for a fire-engine red suit. Even worse, he grew a long beard, hired non-union elves for his new toy factories, used reindeer to pull a gift-filled sleigh, and delivered presents to children by entering their homes through chimneys. The world was shocked by his bizarre behavior. Especially since lots of homes don’t have chimneys.

No one, including Dr. Sigmund Freud, could explain Santa’s goofy behavior.

Various nations held hearings. Hundreds of witnesses were subpoenaed to testify. However, they came to no conclusion.

After years of intensive research, the mystery of Santa’s radical behavioral changes was solved. Turned out that Santa’s new brain came from a village idiot.

Millions volunteered their brains for a new transplant. A lottery decided the lucky donor. The entire planet held its breath, as the Illustrious Poo-bah of Upper Zamboozia reached into a gigantic barrel and picked a slip of paper containing the winner’s name. The donor’s name was never released.  

The operation was successful. When he recovered, Santa hurried back to Tahiti.

Once again, he wore grass skirts, was beardless, employed only human union workers in his toy factories, used horses to pull his gift-filled carriage, and delivered presents to children by entering their homes through the front door.

Everyone on Earth rejoiced when they learned that Santa had returned to his good old normal self.