Conversation
by Amit
Parmessur
Two
friends are seated at the far end of a bus. One
has long hair. The other is bald. They
travel silently for a while.
&: [Breaking
the silence.] I forgot to tell you about my
results.
8: Yes! [Pause.]
What happened?
&: Promise
you won’t laugh at me. [He scratches his
head.]
8: Why? Latest
result, latest insult?
&: No salt
on wound. Please. [Disappointedly.] I
have failed in Visual Arts.
8: [After
reflection.] But you passed in other
subjects. [Calmly.] That’s more
important.
&: 0 in
Arts. I got 0. [Pause.] Anyway, forget
it. I took the plane the very day and went to
Cambridge.
8: [Adjusting
himself.] And what did they say?
&: They
got my work out and showed it to me. And they
proclaimed “0”.
8: They could
have given you some marks for going there at
least. [Frowning casually.] What was it
you drew by the way?
&: I
painted the page black.
8: You did
what?
&: [Shrugging.]
I painted the page black. [He adjusts his
spectacles.] It was my work, my style.
8: Then
deserve your 0.
&: Then
you are a fool too. [Exasperated almost.]
Just like the foolish examiners. It’s not a
black page.
8: [To
himself.] A page painted black is not a
black page! Hmmm...
&: Zulus.
Zulus dancing enthusiastically in the night. [Proudly.]
That was what I drew.
[The bus
conductor starts collecting money from the
talkative old couples in front. 8 laughs
like a madman.]
&: Stop
laughing and let’s come back to our usual
questions and answers.
8: OK. [Pause.]
OK.
[The bus
suddenly starts to go faster.]
&: First
question. Why does a fart smell?
8: [Tentatively.]
Biological. Bacteria decomposing food.
&: [With
a smile.] Nop.
8: The answer
is?
&: It
smells so as the deaf can enjoy it. Simple. [They
both laugh.]
8: [Concentrating.]
Next question.
&: Have
you heard of the expression ‘Winds raping
walls’?
8: [Scratching
his bald head.] Yes. Yes I have.
&: But
have you ever heard walls bearing little walls? [He
lifts his eyebrows.]
8: Never.
[The
conductor is approaching.] &: This is
because walls have abortions. [He laughs.
8 is not impressed.]
8: [In a
low voice.] It does not appear he has failed.
&: Next
question?
8: Hmm. [He
adjusts himself, looking at &.]
This time say something serious.
&: [After
much thought.] Have you ever entered an
office and given the clerk your name and your
address?
8: Of course.
I did it yesterday itself.
&: You’ve
given him your name.
8: Yes. [Pause.]
Actually it was a woman.
&: [Excited.]
You’ve given her your address as well.
8: [Hesitantly.]
Yes.
&: So,
this means you have neither name nor address now
if you’ve given them to her!
[8 shakes
his head, not knowing if he should laugh
or not. & laughs, but he is
cut short by the bus conductor who comes to him.]
Conductor:
Where please?
&: [Confusedly.]
To my house.
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