Crazy Joey
by Michael A. Kechula
I moved three
times to get away from Joey. But somehow he
discovered where I was.
I dreaded the
idea of moving again to avoid that psycho bastard.
He thought I was his reincarnated wife. When I
didn’t respond to his amorous advances, he
threatened me.
A restraining
order didn’t discourage him. I moved to
another city.
I was tired of
running. If only there was a way to spot Joey
sneaking up on me, I could mace him and bash
his skull.
Then I got an
idea. I went to an auto parts store and bought a
rear view mirror. I mounted it on my head, but it
kept falling off. Next, I strapped it to my
shoulder, but I still couldn’t stabilize the
damn thing. It was even worse on my buttocks.
Terribly
discouraged, I saw an advertisement that offered
hope: “Body Mod, a specialist in body
modifications, announces a new facility in
Chicago.”
The ad
included several testimonials. One in particular
caught my eye: it showed a picture of a man with
three arms. His testimonial said, “Now I can
do almost twice the work. My company is so
pleased with my increased performance, they gave
me a huge raise. Now I can make more widgets than
ever. And when I play baseball, I never miss a
catch. Thanks, Bod-Mod.”
I made an
appointment.
“How can
we help you?” asked a Body Modification
Designer.
I told her
about Crazy Joey and my fears. When she proposed
a fantastic resolution, I signed a contract and
underwent surgery.
After my
recovery, Joey tried to jump me from behind while
I was walking my dog at night in the park. They
buried him a couple days later.
Absolutely
delighted with my new abilities, I decided to go
into business for myself. I became so successful,
I wrote Bod Mod a testimonial, which they’ve
included in their latest TV ads.
The ads show
me with a bald spot on the back of my head. An
eye sits in the center. As the camera zooms in on
my new eye, I smile and say: “I’m Lisa
Snerd. I sure love my third eye. It's changed my
life. I’m now a successful detective
with a seven-figure income. I can do
far more surveillance than any of my competitors.
My caseload is ten times the national average
since Bod Mod added the extra eye to my head.”
Then I
approach the Chief Surgeon of Mod Mod and say,
“Thanks for including little extras, like
making a special floppy hat with a slit in the
back. It’s very stylish.”
At that moment
the camera zooms to show the hat.
“Plus
this hat helps me see everything that’s
going on behind me without anyone noticing. And a
very special thanks for installing .30 caliber,
sawed-off machine guns in both shoulder
blades. Now I don’t fear anybody, including
terrorists. I’ll be back next year for
another modification. I love you guys. You’re
the best!”
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