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Crazy Joey
by Michael A. Kechula

I moved three times to get away from Joey. But somehow he discovered where I was.

I dreaded the idea of moving again to avoid that psycho bastard. He thought I was his reincarnated wife. When I didn’t respond to his amorous advances, he threatened me.

A restraining order didn’t discourage him. I moved to another city.

I was tired of running. If only there was a way to spot Joey sneaking up on me, I could mace him and bash his skull.

Then I got an idea. I went to an auto parts store and bought a rear view mirror. I mounted it on my head, but it kept falling off. Next, I strapped it to my shoulder, but I still couldn’t stabilize the damn thing. It was even worse on my buttocks.

Terribly discouraged, I saw an advertisement that offered hope: “Body Mod, a specialist in body modifications, announces a new facility in Chicago.”

The ad included several testimonials. One in particular caught my eye: it showed a picture of a man with three arms. His testimonial said, “Now I can do almost twice the work. My company is so pleased with my increased performance, they gave me a huge raise. Now I can make more widgets than ever. And when I play baseball, I never miss a catch. Thanks, Bod-Mod.”

I made an appointment.

“How can we help you?” asked a Body Modification Designer.

I told her about Crazy Joey and my fears. When she proposed a fantastic resolution, I signed a contract and underwent surgery.

After my recovery, Joey tried to jump me from behind while I was walking my dog at night in the park. They buried him a couple days later.

Absolutely delighted with my new abilities, I decided to go into business for myself. I became so successful, I wrote Bod Mod a testimonial, which they’ve included in their latest TV ads.

The ads show me with a bald spot on the back of my head. An eye sits in the center. As the camera zooms in on my new eye, I smile and say: “I’m Lisa Snerd. I sure love my third eye. It's changed my life. I’m now a successful detective with a seven-figure income.  I can do far more surveillance than any of my competitors. My caseload is ten times the national average since Bod Mod added the extra eye to my head.”

Then I approach the Chief Surgeon of Mod Mod and say, “Thanks for including little extras, like making a special floppy hat with a slit in the back. It’s very stylish.”

At that moment the camera zooms to show the hat.

“Plus this hat helps me see everything that’s going on behind me without anyone noticing. And a very special thanks for installing .30 caliber, sawed-off machine guns in both shoulder blades. Now I don’t fear anybody, including terrorists. I’ll be back next year for another modification. I love you guys. You’re the best!”