Grand Entrance
by Michael A. Kechula
“Dora, I’ve
decided that you should have the magnificent
honor of being the first person to enter King
Gazanga’s tomb,” said Professor Brown,
the expedition leader. “You’ll go down
in history as the first woman to break the seal
of an ancient Egyptian tomb and go inside.”
“What
about the nasty curse?” she asked. “It
says he who breaks this tomb’s seal will be
attacked by giant praying mantises, after his
head splits wide open from being struck by
lightening. And the ground will open and
swallow what’s left of him. And his
miserable carcass will fall into the Pit of Fire.
And he will suffer excruciating pain from
horrible burns for all eternity—not to
mention the constant sting of worms nibbling away
at his innards.”
“You can’t
possibly believe that. When you translated the
hieroglyphics on the door, didn’t you say it
used the words he and his?”
“Yes.”
“How can
those words apply to you? You’re a her. It
didn’t say her carcass would burn, or get
munched by worms. So take this sledgehammer
and whack that door.”
“Will you
guys take lotsa pictures to prove I did it?”
“Of
course. Hey Nick, start your camera.”
Dora grabbed
the sledgehammer. “Damn, this is heavy.”
“Say
something for the camera,” Nick said.
“Hello
everybody. I’m Dora Duncan. I’m a
senior at Santa Buffoona University, California.
I’m in Egypt carrying this sledgehammer,
because I’m gonna break the seal of King
Gazanga’s tomb. Hi Mom! Hi Uncle
Henry!”
“Speed
things up a bit,” Professor Brown said.
“I want
to thank some people who made this day possible,”
she said. “First are all the guys at
Joe’s Bar who taught me what life was all
about. Then there’s the lady at the candy
store who urged me to stay in school when I got
preggers and almost quit.”
“How
about describing what you see as you approach the
entrance,” Brown said.
“It’s
sandy around here,” Dora said. “This is,
after all, the Sahara Desert. And the Sahara is
known to be pretty sandy. And even though this is
a desert, there’s lotsa Egyptian Desert
Pigeons. Ooops. One just dropped something
on my head. Nick, can you get a close up of
my hair so people can see how different their
droppings are from American pigeons?”
“Don’t
lose track of what you’re doing,” Brown
said. “Keep focused on the tomb.”
“The tomb’s
just a few feet away. It has a big wooden door. So
now, I’m gonna raise this sledgehammer and
hit that door. I’ve always wondered why
tools always have to be so ugly. Why doesn’t
anybody ever paint them pink? Or lavender?”
“Hit the
damn door, already,” Brown said.
Dora swung
with all her might. The door gave way, breaking
the tomb’s seal.
The entire
archaeological team applauded and cheered wildly.
Lightening and
giant praying mantises prevented Dora from
hearing their accolades.
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