by Michael A. Kechula
with costly funerals? asked Bert in his TV
commercial. Bring your loved ones to Berts
Drive-Thru Cut-Rate Funeral Emporium where
funerals are only $39.95. Come to our Grand
Opening and see how corpses are processed through
high-tech machines in our fully automated Funeral
Emporium. The first fifty customers who bring a
corpse will enjoy a free buffet lunch at our
Happy Cadaver Restaurant. Save mega-dollars
on your next funeral. Bring your loved ones to
Berts Drive-Thru Cut-Rate Funeral Emporium.
ended with Bert singing, Theres no
business like show business.
to the grand opening. However, not a single
corpse had arrived at the Drive-Thru. Visitors
became restless when the show didnt start
Sales Manager, announced over loudspeakers,
Were sorry for the delay. Please
check everyone in your vehicles to see if anybodys
about to expire. The first person who
brings a corpse to our Drive-Thru in the next ten
minutes will receive $100 cash.
We got a
dead body! somebody yelled. Granny
slipped and banged her head real hard against a
door handle. She aint got no pulse.
said Harry. Lets hear it for Granny.
carried Granny to the Drive-Thru. Harry
called Bert to tell him the good news. Bert
rushed from his office to the Drive-Thru. When
he checked Granny, he discovered a faint
alive, Harry announced. We still need
and threw empty beer bottles.
his cell phone and acted as if hed just
received a call. Ladies and gentlemen, I
was just notified that a bodys on the way.
The show will start in 30 minutes. While youre
waiting, visit our snack stands for a free bag of
an explosive situation here, Bert told
Harry. Lets go to my office where itll
you lie to them? Harry asked.
I had to
say something to pacify them. Theyre
in a nasty mood. They might riot.
oughta call for a SWAT team.
idea, Bert said. Especially since it
might be hours before a body turns up. Would you
believe nobody died over the past two days?
I called our competitors and the morgue. None of
them has a single corpse. They cant
figure out why theres a dry spell.
because of global warming, said Harry.
reached the office, Harry asked, So what
are we gonna do?
like you to honor the employment agreement you
mean the clause that said I was subject to lay
off if theres a sales slump?
fell to the floor with a bullet in his brain,
Bert said. Not that clause. I meant
the one where you agreed to do whatevers
necessary to meet the needs of the business.
the Drive-Thru with Harrys body aboard a
gurney, Bert sang, Theres no business
like show business.