Grand Opening
by Michael A. Kechula
“Fed up
with costly funerals?” asked Bert in his TV
commercial. “Bring your loved ones to Bert’s
Drive-Thru Cut-Rate Funeral Emporium where
funerals are only $39.95. Come to our Grand
Opening and see how corpses are processed through
high-tech machines in our fully automated Funeral
Emporium. The first fifty customers who bring a
corpse will enjoy a free buffet lunch at our
Happy Cadaver Restaurant. Save mega-dollars
on your next funeral. Bring your loved ones to
Bert’s Drive-Thru Cut-Rate Funeral Emporium.”
The commercial
ended with Bert singing, “There’s no
business like show business.”
Hundreds came
to the grand opening. However, not a single
corpse had arrived at the Drive-Thru. Visitors
became restless when the show didn’t start
on time.
Harry, the
Sales Manager, announced over loudspeakers,
“We’re sorry for the delay. Please
check everyone in your vehicles to see if anybody’s
about to expire. The first person who
brings a corpse to our Drive-Thru in the next ten
minutes will receive $100 cash.”
”We got a
dead body!” somebody yelled. “Granny
slipped and banged her head real hard against a
door handle. She ain’t got no pulse.”
“Wonderful,”
said Harry. “Let’s hear it for Granny.”
The applause
was deafening.
The bereaved
carried Granny to the Drive-Thru. Harry
called Bert to tell him the good news. Bert
rushed from his office to the Drive-Thru. When
he checked Granny, he discovered a faint
heartbeat.
“Granny’s
alive,” Harry announced. “We still need
a corpse.”
Visitors booed
and threw empty beer bottles.
Bert grabbed
his cell phone and acted as if he’d just
received a call. “Ladies and gentlemen, I
was just notified that a body’s on the way.
The show will start in 30 minutes. While you’re
waiting, visit our snack stands for a free bag of
popcorn.”
“We have
an explosive situation here,” Bert told
Harry. “Let’s go to my office where it’ll
be safer.”
“Why did
you lie to them?” Harry asked.
“I had to
say something to pacify them. They’re
in a nasty mood. They might riot.”
“Maybe we
oughta call for a SWAT team.”
“Good
idea,” Bert said. “Especially since it
might be hours before a body turns up. Would you
believe nobody died over the past two days?
I called our competitors and the morgue. None of
them has a single corpse. They can’t
figure out why there’s a dry spell.”
“Maybe it’s
because of global warming,” said Harry.
When they
reached the office, Harry asked, “So what
are we gonna do?”
“I’d
like you to honor the employment agreement you
signed.”
“Do you
mean the clause that said I was subject to lay
off if there’s a sales slump?”
When Harry
fell to the floor with a bullet in his brain,
Bert said. “Not that clause. I meant
the one where you agreed to do whatever’s
necessary to meet the needs of the business.”
Heading for
the Drive-Thru with Harry’s body aboard a
gurney, Bert sang, “There’s no business
like show business.”
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