Horny Dentist
by Katy Darby
Nurse enters
NURSE Miss Maclean will see
you now.
PATIENT Thanks.
Nurse exits. Dentist
enters.
DENTIST Ah, hello Mr.
Roberts. How are you today? Feeling frisky?
PATIENT Ahaha. Not terribly.
DENTIST Well, I'm sure
we'll soon sort that out. Just take off your
clothes – coat, yes, that’s right, and
jump into the chair.
PATIENT Er . . . right. (does
so)
DENTIST Open wide. Wider.
Hmm. It's that cheeky little left molar, isn't
it?
PATIENT Uhuh.
DENTIST Looks like it's
gone bad. Very bad. When was the last time you
had a cock up? A check-up?
PATIENT Ingh ungh.
DENTIST Six months? Oh dear.
You have been a naughty boy. You've been a
naughty boy and it looks like now you're being
punished. Wouldn't you agree?
PATIENT Enh.
DENTIST Say yes doctor.
PATIENT Enh occha.
DENTIST Gooooood. I suppose
you haven’t been cleaning properly.
PATIENT Noh heahry
DENTIST Not really? Not at
all, is what it looks like to me. You’ve
been letting those nice white toothypegs of yours
get dirty, haven’t you? And dirty little
teeth, filthy little teeth are bad little
teeth. (pokes mouth) Hmm?
PATIENT Aaargh!
DENTIST No pain no groin.
Gain. That’s the dentist’s motto, Mr.
Roberts. And like it or lump it is mine. There’s
not much I can do for your renegade molar except
give it a damn good drilling. OK?
PATIENT Noh urghay!
DENTIST Sorry, I didn’t
quite catch that. Do you like it, Mr. Roberts?
PATIENT Gnoh!
DENTIST Do you lump it?
PATIENT Gnyeh!
DENTIST Not so much lumping
it as bricking it, I’d say. I think you
could do with a little injection just to calm you
down.
PATIENT Gnoh!
DENTIST Please don’t
be alarmed, Mr. Roberts, plenty of my more
nervous patients have been served very happily
under the influence of this particular cocktail
of barbiturates. I test it on myself regularly so
I know it’s all right.
PATIENT Hemghp!
DENTIST Now you may
experience some discomfort when the needle goes
in … and when you wake up you may feel as
though you’ve been rectally invaded, but don’t
worry, that’s quite a common reaction.
PATIENT Hechp mneee!
Nurse enters.
NURSE Miss Maclean? Your
next patient is here.
DENTIST Oh dear. What a
shame. I’m afraid your time is up, Mr.
Roberts. No injection for you today. (Removes
fingers from Roberts’s mouth)
PATIENT (almost weeping
with relief) Thank you … oh, thank you!
NURSE I’ll show you
out, Mr. Roberts.
DENTIST Same time next week
then?
PATIENT Absolutely, darling.
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