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I Have A Problem
by Amit Parmessur


[Over the noisy phone. I mean, literally.]

A: [Stifles a midnight yawn.] How are you doin'?

2: Very well save that damned health of mine.

A: [Coughing.] What's wrong?

2: Everything, I think.

A: Then you should be keeping away from things!

2: [Condescendingly.] I'm putting the phone down, then.

A: Hey! Do not. Don't cut the line!

2: O.K...

[A long silence ensues. Total silence.]

A: [Grows serious.] What are you doin'?

2: Speaking. To you.

A: [Farts a dumb 01.25 fart uneasily.] I mean, before.

2: [Thinking what to say.] Thinking how to think about my situation.

A: [Scowls.] Don't joke now. I'm serious.

2: How can you be Serious? You are Mr... Mr... I don't know... I...

A: [Abruptly.] Tell me, do you feel great when speaking to me? [The other nods as if the other is seeing her.] Do you?

2: Yes of course.

A: What's the exact time?

2: [Watching her watch.] One-thirty and twenty... no twenty and a half... no twenty one... twenty-one and a half seconds... I...

A: At ten we meet. There again. O.K?

2: O.K.

[At ten. Exactly. On a heath.]

2: [Looking around.] Each time we come here, what happens?

A: Curnone happens.

2: [Scratches her nape.] What?

A: Not even few people are allowed.

2: Mmm... Hot here. Your teeth must be sweating. [Laughs.]

A: Hairs have grown on yours!

2: Do you take me for an honest miller of medieval times?

A: Medieval times? Miller? [Clears his throat.] Let's come to the point. I am Serious now.

2: Can you be Serious. You are Mr. --

A: Rebaptism. Before coming.

[It is from here that I really start having a problem. Perhaps mentally.]

2: It's a problem to come to the point, you know.

A: Gotta problem?

2: Yes, that's a problem indeed to have a problem as a problem.

A: Speak your problem.

2: Do you've a problem with my problem?

A: That's MY problem if I do. Speak your problem.

2: 'Twill remain a problem. Or better, it's gonna be (problem)^6 with you!

A: Tell. Tell

2: O.K. My problem's I don't have a solution to my problem.

A: So, your problem isn't your problem. Solution's the problem. Right?

2: Right.

A: What's left when you've said right?

2: [Ruefully.] My problem.

A: That's a problem indeed.

2: Solve my problem.

A: Can I solve solutions?

2: Now I have got two problems.

A: Two too?

2: Your problem of having a problem to solve my problem, plus the solution of the problem I have as problem, I mean as solution.

A: [Looks up.] You know, for me, death is a bachelor. And you are a great spinster.

2: [Spins dexterously.] That I am!

A: Today a union like this's deemed both a problem and a solution. Grab one of the two.

2: [Exasperated.] Go away! GO a way. I don't like talking about my problems, you all know that. [Spits on A spitefully.]