Incredible News
by Michael A. Kechula
“Ladies
and Gentlemen, I have incredible news,” said
the Illustrious Pooh-bah. “Our scientists
have discovered that the Moon’s surface is
composed of a substance similar to cream cheese.
Soon, we’ll be able to end global hunger
forever.”
“Your
Excellency, how will we get the cheese from there
to here?” asked a reporter.
“Through
a polymer tube that stretches from the Moon to
Washington.”
“How will
the Moon Cheese affect those who are intolerant
to dairy products?”
“Tests
show it is easily digested by anyone.”
“My pet
boa constrictor doesn’t have digestive
problems,” said a reporter, “as long as
I feed it white mice fourteen times a day. Will
Moon Cheese be an adequate substitute?”
“Yes.
Tests with boa constrictors show they only need
one Moon Cheese feeding per week. Once they get a
taste, they refuse everything else. Think of the
savings in pet food you and other boa
constrictors owners will realize. Susan, I see
you jumping up and down in the back.”
“Thank
you, Excellency. “If everyone ends up eating
Moon Cheese, will it affect waste elimination?”
“I’m
glad you asked. Tests have shown that elimination
will cease permanently in humans, animals, birds,
fish, and insects. This means untold trillions
will be saved when we shut down the world’s
waste management systems.”
“Illustrious
Pooh-Bah,” said another reporter, “can
you tell us what happens after all the nutrients
are extracted from Moon Cheese by our digestive
systems?”
“Yes. A
few drops of a sticky, green substance will ooze
from everyone’s forehead. In fact, I have
samples of the ooze. My assistants will
distribute them at the end of this news
conference.”
“Does the
substance have any odor?”
“Yes. The
aroma is similar to a combination of decayed
whale blubber, methane, and pig snout. I’m
going to be frank with the people of the
Amalgamated States of America. For a while, the
entire nation will have to stay indoors once
everybody eats Moon Cheese. We know this will be
an inconvenience. But it won’t be forever.
Our scientists are working on the aroma problem
right now. Look, if we can get the Moon Cheese
here, end global hunger, and end the daily
accumulation of millions of cubic yards of body
waste, I think the American People will put up
with a bit of readjustment while we figure how to
handle a few drops of forehead ooze. I’ll
take one more question.”
“When
will the first supply of Moon Cheese be available?”
“Next
year. I know you’re all eager to try it. I
already have. It’s absolutely delicious. I
had two heaping platefuls for breakfast.”
Just then,
some in the audience noticed a green substance
oozing from Pooh-Bahs’ forehead.
In seconds,
the room was empty.
“Hey,
y’all,” hollered the Pooh-Bah. Come
back! Don’t you want your samples?”
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