Interview With
Jesus On His Return
by Roberto Stampini
PA:
<whispering> Hi, George, nice to see you,
thanks for coming. Look, I know we said ten
minutes on the phone but we can only give you
five now. The thing is, he had the Pope in this
morning and it overran. Between you and I, he
gave the Pope a bit of a bollocking but you can’t
print that.
George:
<whispering> OK, does he mind if I record?
PA:
<whispering> No, that’s fine but, as I
said on the phone, we have a veto on all
publications and broadcasts. Can I get you a
coffee or something?
George:
<whispering> Water would be nice.
PA:
<whispering> Jane, can you get Geoff some
water?
George:
<whispering> George.
PA:
<whispering> Fine. No go areas are: the
Middle East, the gay thing and the crucifixion.
Cross the line and we terminate.
George:<whispering>
What do I call him?
PA: Just call him
Jesus, never Haysuss. He’s got a thing about
the Spanish, thinks they’re high maintenance.
<sound of door opening> OK, we’re in
now.
Jesus:
Hi! Take a seat man. Can I get you anything?
George: Water would
be nice.
Jesus: <to PA>
Get John some wine will you
George: Emm,
it’s George and <interrupted>
Jesus: Do you think
I look too Jewish? That’s what ‘Rolling
Stone’ says; look here <paper rustles>
George: Well you do
a look a bit….
Jesus:
<interrupts> I know what you’re going
to say<silent pause> Just kidding! I don’t
really! So what can I tell you?
George: I think our
readers are going to be interested in why you
came back after all this time?
Jesus: Yeah, yeah,
and yeah. I’ve got to tell you I thought
twice about it, after the shitty welcome I got
last time. Don’t get me wrong I know there
were a lot of people really into my stuff but
those Italian audiences! What can I tell you?
Plus don’t forget I didn’t have a clue
about the gig. God, and let’s get this
straight, right off, I’m only his son in the
same way that you are, to me he’s more of an
agent, you know, sorting out the gig, telling me
where I’ve got to be and handling the
details. So me: ‘Mr new kid on the block’,
totally wet behind the ears, thought it would be
just a bit of wandering ‘round in sandals
introducing you guys to some knew stuff and
working on the act with the
disciples<emphatically> Wrong!
George: So it wasn’t
like you expected?
Jesus: No
man! Totally no! Met some nice people but in this
business there’s so many phonies and film
flam artists.
George: Like Judas?
Jesus: Not really,
Judas was cool, like one of the guys. Ok, when he
split that was heavy man. He was such a key part
of the act. I was cool about it, but the other
guys saw it as a betrayal. But Judas was always
into the bread and when the man calls and throws
a shit load of money on the table, what are you
going to do? It’s splitsville right?
George: So what are
your immediate plans?
Jesus: Well, I want
to tour, I need to tour. But first I’ve got
to put the group together, get that solid vibe
going again. We’re auditioning tomorrow,
getting all new talent and trying to get some
youngsters in maybe a few girls this time.
George: So what’s
on the itinerary?
Jesus: Definitely
the states. We’ve already pre-booked the
major stadiums and we’ve got the people from
Las Vegas working on the show, it’s going to
be a real beast. The comeback to end all
comebacks.
George: What about
Africa, China and the Middle East.
Jesus: The way we
figure it, is crack LA and the world will follow.
You can’t push this stuff at people they’ve
got to be their pulling at it. We’ll go down
big in the states then flood the rest of the
world with the DVDs and TV.
George: So have you
had any negative responses?
PA: I think that’s
enough George.
Jesus: No, that’s
ok. I’ll field that one. It’s like this
Geoff: my comeback has shown an awful lot of
people that they were just plain wrong and they
don’t like it. Those nay-sayers are having
to eat some serious shit on this one. Just think
of all those people that have built their lives
on the fact that I wasn’t going to make it
back and all those people who tried to act like I
didn’t exist and all those people who were
getting into the modern stuff. Take the Jews for
example, basically on the right track but the
hats and the beards, what’s that all about?
Where does it say buy a hat and grow some locks?
I tried to tell them the first time but boy are
they stubborn. Anyway back to the tour, as well
as the shows we’re going to be getting into
product big-time. Up ‘til now, there’s
been a lot of pretty shitty merchandising. But we’re
trying to get a handle on that. The guys in suits
are working on the angles for me. First, we
shutdown the existing operations, you know the
crappola guys. Jesus in a bottle fighting a shark
and that crap then we start proper licensing and
partnering, and we’re looking at good
quality products, shit you’d be proud to
have your name on.
George: Is there
anything you can tell us about now?
Jesus: Well between
you and me, we’re doing something with a
hair care product, trying to build on the old
pictures with me and the flowing blond hair, you
know, always nice, tidy and shiny. Build on some
of that stuff. Watch out for it, we’re doing
the commercials in June. Then we’re looking
at franchising, like they way the Pope did it, so
everyone’s got their local mini-Jesus who
looks like them and talks their language. Not the
missionary thing. How you gonna build up a
rapport with some guy in the jungle holding a
spear and killing lions and stuff, when you turn
up in a hat and coat? It’s like sending
Alice Cooper to talk to the board at Exxon. Fit
in first and then tell them the story.
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