The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

by Michael A. Kechula

“You’re next, Charlie,” said the Angel of Death to the chubby guy at the head of the line.

When AOD lowered the rope barrier, Charlie ran at full speed toward the railing of the Golden Gate Bridge. Climbing over, he yelled “Geronimo,” and jumped.

Applause broke out in the line.

“It’s your turn, Marcia,” AOD said, tapping her shoulder.

Marcia skated toward the railing, and managed to leap right over it on her first try. “Life stinks!” she yelled on the way down.

The folks in line applauded even louder.

“Hey, Boss,” said AOD’s assistant. “Look up there. Somebody’s standing on top of the bridge.”

AOD peered through his binoculars. “By golly, you’re right. Never fails. Some idiot always manages to screw things up.”

“Hey you, on top of the bridge,” AOD yelled through a bullhorn. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Jumping,” the guy yelled back.

“Hold on a minute. What’s your name?”

“Frank Higenlooper.”

AOD checked his daily planner. “You can’t jump. You’re on tomorrow’s list.”

“Does it matter?” Frank hollered.

“Yep. Affects the entire cosmos. Climb down. Come back tomorrow. Bring beer. I’ll bring pizza. We’ll party first.”

“But I can’t stand another day of my wife’s constant bitching.”

“Then don’t go home. Check into a hotel. Go out and have a great dinner at Fisherman’s Wharf. Find yourself a nice streetwalker. What the hell—it’s your last full day on this planet. Might as well live it up big time.”

“I don’t know if I can get down by myself. I feel dizzy.” Frank said.

“Hold on. I’ll call the rescue squad,” AOD said, grabbing his cell phone.

While waiting for rescuers to arrive, AOD let three more people in line rush to the bridge’s railing and leap over. When he heard them hit the water, he put a checkmark next to their names in his daily planner.”

“How you doing up there?” asked AOD.

“I been thinking things over,” Frank replied. “Even if I go to a hotel, she’ll find me. You have no idea to what lengths she’ll go to nag me. And if I have an expensive meal on the Wharf, she’ll carry on like a lunatic. It’ll be a thousand times worse if I bed down with a streetwalker. I think I’m just gonna jump and be done with it.”

“Don’t do it! You’ll botch up the entire cosmos!”

A cab arrived. Frank’s wife jumped out and started yelling. “What the hell are you doing up there?  You better come down and get home real fast. The lawn needs mowing. You forgot to wash the car. And you have to take the dog to the vet. After that you hafta pick up my mother from the airport. So get moving, or I’ll climb up there and kick your ass!”

Frank yelled something exceedingly obscene, then dived off the bridge into San Francisco Bay.

The entire cosmos collapsed into nothingness.