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by Amit Parmessur

For me, the love business has always been like some kind of football match. You know a few years ago, when I happened to fall in love with someone, I was about to kick off the match – that is to confess my love – when someone stole the ball. Both ball and thief disappeared into thin air. I grew thinner in despair.

Then the next match I played I was like a team with 10 strikers, thinking I would bag a bunch of goals. In the end I could manage only an own goal.

I didn’t despair after these two defeats.

But love started turning more and more into a football match. Many times in love you think you have the goal that will guarantee your victory only to find that the linesman has his flag up. And why is it that each time you think you are about to win the game you’re substituted at that very moment? The coach of love – Seņor Amor if you play in La Liga, Mr Cupid if you are in the Premier League or Monsieur Cupidon if you play your football in France – substitutes you and you never understand what the other player has more than you.

They say, everything is fair in love and in war. Beware. Love is that football match where even the referee can score a goal against you. Obviously, being so clumsy and with no talent, I’ve long been given my marching orders from the stadium of love. This certainly does not mean that I am useless*. Rather, I have some priceless information for everyone.

First, when you feel you need a rest, do take a break. “Distance brings closeness,” says my father, so correctly. Love surely needs several half-times. Or you know, when the ground is slippery, better postpone the match. These are two pieces of advice that will prevent you from a heart injury that can prematurely terminate your love career.

Even if you haven’t admired my advice, let me continue. Always revise your tactics. Go about simple. No need for backheels, dribbling or bicycle kicks. And always know the trick to score a hat-trick. Also, know all the rules of the game to rule. You should learn how to tackle, to keep others at bay and protect your goal. Be ever ready to do some good and clean defending to avoid the cards.

Finally do not get injured during injury time. Injury time does not mean the time to get injured. It hurts when you are so close to victory in the match of love and have to be evacuated on a stretcher.

For all my defeats and red cards in this war of love I’m sure of one thing. After my suspension and long lay-off, one day I will come back and score one of the most fabulous and fairest of goals at the World Cup itself. And that too ā la Diego Armando Maradona. Beware. I’m doing severe everyday training.

*of no importance