Saints Alive
by Oonah V
Joslin
Paddy shifted
from foot to foot. He hated hanging about outside
these places and it was embarrassing to be seen
by anybody you knew, even a fellow sufferer like
Seamus -- but he wasn’t for going in. “My
wife just loves these wee religious shops,”
he explained.
“Aye,
Theresa’s in there too.”
“What do
they see in it, Seamus?”
“I don’t
know. She’ll likely come out wi’
another rosary an’ she has enough to choke
several saints as it is.”
“Eithne’ll
likely buy another statue, Daphne the daft,
patron saint of puddles or somethin’ equally
stupid. And isn’t she the one complains of
all the dusting?”
“Mind you,
all these saintesses look to have been very
beautiful women if you go on the statues, Paddy
don’t you think?”
“Aye well
wasn’t that their whole trouble, Seamus?”
“What do
you mean?”
“Well now
from what I hear they always attracted the wrong
men. Sometimes it was a king or a judge or a
governor and they only wanted the one thing.”
“And what
was that then Paddy?”
“You know,
Seamus. Sex.”
“Oh that!”
“And
sometimes it was even the girl’s own Da.”
“Sure isn’t
that illegal?”
“Well I
don’t think they had the same idea of legal
in them days, Seamus. And girls used to marry
very young. As young as twelve.”
“Well you
don’t want to get caught talking like that
these days, now Paddy.”
“Well of
course it’s disgusting but people didn’t
live as long you know.”
“So how
did they get to be saintesses, these girls?”
“Well
they all refused to have sex, Seamus. Some of
them even had their breasts cut off and made into
marzipan and had to carry them round on a plate!”
“Theresa
could carry hers on a plate these days, Paddy,
they’re hangin’ that low!”
“Join the
club, Seamus! And Eithne’s gie good at
refusin’ sex too.”
“Sure I’d
even forgotten what you meant by one thing,
Paddy.”
“So we’re
married to a couple of saints, then?”
Paddy looked
at Seamus and Seamus looked at Paddy and they
both shook their head.
“How’s
about a swift pint?” said Paddy.
“Sure,
they’d string us up wi’ rosaries, so
they would.”
“So…We’ll
be blessed martyrs sure! George and Dragon?”
“Parched
Quill.”
“Done!”
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