CAST
BETTY
– An office worker
ARLENE – Another
office worker
DERRICK – A sleezy
supervisor
AT
RISE: BETTY and ARLENE
are going through a stack of papers in an
office.
On each paper, a large single capital
letter is printed, from A to Z. As BETTY
and ARLENE proceed with
their dialogue, they hold up the paper
bearing the
letter that corresponds to the
predominant letter in their dialogue. As
they
complete their line of dialogue, they may
place the sheet of paper in a pile,
crumple it up and toss it out into the
audience, or do some other piece of
business
with the paper. When DERRICK
enters, he also handles papers with a
letter
corresponding to his dialogue.
BETTY
(Holding the paper bearing
the letter ‘A’)
Absolutely,
Arlene. Alphabetize, alphabetize,
alphabetize!
ARLENE
(Holding the paper bearing
the letter ‘B’)
Bank
on it, Betty. It’s best to be all
business.
BETTY
(Letter ‘C’)
And we
communicate accordingly. Correct?
ARLENE
(Letter ‘D')
Decidedly.
(Pause
as they continue to file)
I don’t
mean to disrupt our duties, but was dirty
Debra disposed of?
BETTY
(‘E’….etc.)
Elimination
due to extraneous e-mail.
ARLENE
(‘F’…etc.)
A
formidable farewell for unprofessionalism.
BETTY
Goodbye
and good luck.
ARLENE
She’s
history.
BETTY
Any
other issues?
ARLENE
Just
one. It’s juicey.
BETTY
Keep
kibitz-ing.
ARLENE
Lasciviousness
in the lounge.
BETTY
My,
my, my.
ARLENE
Nasty,
no?
BETTY
Outrageous.
ARLENE
And
perfectly impermissible.
(DERRICK
enters with a clipboard)
BETTY
(Aside to ARLENE)
Quiet!
A questionable quibbler!
DERRICK
I’m
researching rampant recklessness. Report!
ARLENE
Sir,
you’re suggesting we’re
sacrificing superior satisfaction?
DERRICK
Technically
true, but totally tentative.
BETTY
Unheard
of.
ARLENE
Unconscionable.
BETTY
Uncouth.
DERRICK
Undecided.
ARLENE
Veracity
and vigilance are what we value.
DERRICK
Whatever.
BETTY
Excuse
me! We’re exemplary!
DERRICK
You’re
yelling.
BETTY
Zealot.
DERRICK
Zombie.
BETTY
Zapper.
DERRICK
Zero.
ARLENE
Zeppelin.
DERRICK
(HE glares lasciviously at
ARLENE)
Zesty!
(Pause)
BETTY
Asshole.
ARLENE
Betty!
DERRICK
Correct
me if I’m confused. Has your most
current communication included chit-chat?
BETTY
I will
definitely disregard this defamation.
ARLENE
Exactly,
except...
DERRICK
Be
forthright or be fired.
BETTY
(Aside, to ARLENE)
Go get
him, girly.
(DERRICK
pulls ARLENE aside)
DERRICK
Honesty
is honored at headquarters.
ARLENE
It is?
BETTY
(SHE listens in)
A
jolly joke.
DERRICK
Kick-backs,
my kitten. Kick-backs for keeping kosher.
Capice?
ARLENE
Loud
and leer.
(HE
forcefully kisses ARLENE as SHE struggles
to get away. BETTY interrupts)
BETTY
Mister!
You’re misbehaving!
DERRICK
There’s
nothing to notice.
BETTY
I
officially observe that you’re
obstructing our occupations.
DERRICK
Preposterous.
(ARLENE
and BETTY crumple up the remaining papers
and place them in a pile
until the end of the play)
ARLENE
Pervert!
BETTY
Paramour!
ARLENE
Pig!
BETTY
Personnel
policies prohibit promiscuous pleasure.
ARLENE
Quite
so!
DERRICK
(HE reaches for ARLENE’s
rear end)
Really?
Remind me to reprimand any rapscallions.
ARLENE
Stop!
I’m serious! Or I’ll sue.
DERRICK
Threats
from a tawdry tart? Tacky tactics.
BETTY
Underestimating
your underlings is unwise.
DERRICK
You’re
voicing a very vengeful vendetta.
ARLENE
It’s
wise to watch it!
BETTY
Excavate
excrement, expand excellence.
(ARLENE
and BETTY whip the crumpled up papers at
DERRICK, who
unsuccessfully attempts to dodge them)
ARLENE
Yee-ha!
BETTY
A zany
…
ARELENE
And
zippy…
DERRICK
Zonk.
(DERRICK
crumbles. ARLENE and BETTY high five.)
THE
END
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