The Remoteness
of Control
by Gargi
Choudhury
After several
years of thorough investigation, I have finally
stumbled upon the principle reason why the remote
control is called so. I must inform you at the
outset that I am highly qualified to carry out
this inquiry, as I have slugged it out as a couch
potato for little more than two decades. My
findings, therefore, are as follows:
The dictionary
would have you believe that the remote control (henceforth
referred to as ‘RC’, so as not to give
the typist an ache in her prettily manicured
fingers) is a device that lets you manipulate an
electronic appliance from afar. But the truth is
substantially different. The RC is in fact a
device which, in accordance with its title, is
permanently remote. To put it simply, it is
always stationed in some far-off location that
cannot be easily pin-pointed without the help of
a Global Positioning System (‘GPS’ for
the tech-savvy), or some kind of sensor tacked on
to it.
My inquiry reveals
that there are two kinds of RCs in the world. The
first is the Chameleon RC, which is so
disobliging as to adopt the colour of its
environment. It seamlessly merges into the
background, so that, come hell or high water, you
will never be able to find it.
The second type is
the ‘Seat-of-the-Pants’ RC. Sometimes
you will find that, despite your not doing
anything, the telly is rapidly changing channels
by itself. If this happens, then take a deep
breath and relax. It does not mean that the local
ghoul has gone and lodged itself in your
television set. Rather, if you look closely, you
will find that you are, in all probability,
sitting on the RC, and the flicking of channels
is being achieved (unknowingly) by your ample
behind.
That’s the
USP of this particular RC. It arranges to
transport itself to wherever you plan to sit.
If all methods to
unearth the RC fails, remember that this task is
effortlessly achieved by the youngest member of
the family (age 5 or less), for the toddler must
watch his cartoon, else life is worth only an
almighty howl.
Not that locating
the RC alleviates your problems. Once it is
within the eyeshot of all members of the family,
each of them will pounce on it with the aim of
watching their favourite programme. That means
that you will land up savouring a heady mix of
the news, cartoons, serials so long-running that
they challenge the immortality of the almighty
etc.
But I can’t
elaborate any more on that now. I have to go look
for my (remote) control.
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