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The Time for Oscars
by Amit Parmessur

Suddenly, I started thinking about the origin of the word Oscar. Genius Indian musician AR Rahman was finally receiving some just reward for his talent with the surprising Slumdog Millionaire. The best explanation I could find was a mixture of English and French. Os from French meaning bone, mixed with car. Having neither won an os nor a car, I looked on with envy till the end.

And the next morning I woke up for some sports on Yahoo Sports. It was the time for Oscars in sports too. I met the 2008 Barclays Premier League winners. Surprising! Without further ado, let’s discover them. My free personal comments accompanying the little golden men.

Best Actor - Mr Steven Taylor, for his stunning theatrical penalty-winning dive against Sunderland. Referees should seriously consider studying Shakespeare.

Best Supporting Actor - Mr Didier Drogba for his season-long sulk, depicting the hell of getting millions to play up front for Chelsea. Among the best players in football but here that’s GlumDrog Millionaire.

Best Actress - Tzofit Grant, aka Mrs Avram, who told Roman Abramovich that firing her husband from Chelsea was a mistake, as a friend, as a human being and an owner. No fit competition here. It’s a walkover.

Best Foreign Language Film - Mr Joe Kinnear’s conversation with the press conducted almost entirely in f*#*ing French. Newcastle United got some results after the speech. Award deserved. It’s a pity there were no more such speeches; Newcastle would’ve remained a new castle, triumphant and united.

Best Film Editing - Mr Arsene Wenger, for erasing the incidents behind the 76 red cards during his Arsenal tenure. Did you see how they edited Arsenal to get Arsene?

Best Animation - Mr Martin O’Neill’s touchline antics. Fully deserved for a fully dedicated and overly animated coach.

Best Costume Design - Mr Petr Cech, for the combination of scrum cap and luminous orange shirt. Girls rightly call him handsome. Nice award. Wrong category.

Best Sound Mixing - Mr Cristiano Ronaldo for hearing a whistle against Manchester City and getting sent off after catching the ball. I did not expect this action to win Cristiano an award. Surprises do exist at the Oscars.

Best Cinematography - Ever Banega, whose webcam footage of himself entitled ‘Ever Banega, always big’ ended up on the internet. Each year there are some anonymous winners too.

Best Musical Score - Mr John Terry, who hogged the karaoke machine at Chelsea’s Christmas party, belting out Luther Vandross numbers, including Never Too Much. No award is ever too much for courageous melodious skippers.

I hope Yahoo Sports just introduces the Best Supporting Actress 2009 category too. I might win the award with a wig supporting Spurs from the stands. Before leaving, let me just share the secret behind Slumdog Millionaire’s 8 awards. Did you see the link between Slumdog and Os? So watch out this year for a surprising film on cars sweeping the awards.

Until we meet again (sure we shall), Jai Ho!