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Toe Good to be True
by Mahesh Shantaram

Wondering what this is all about? You will be fed up soon (with food for thought, that is). Perhaps you'll be stuffed from head to toe. Although I'll be talking about digits, I assure you that there's hardly any math here. Science? Not likely but for traces of anatomical terms. Voyuerism? No, that's not what you call an innocent seventeen year old's fantasies.

A tragedy happened during the chemistry exam the other day. Pallavi took off her shoes. (Yeah, yeah. Name changed to protect identity of her toes.) There, one could behold ten of the world's most beautiful toes, one beside the other, wriggling like sweet little jellybeans atop a custard cake. After that, I cared little about how Newton's laws connived with nature. I was making my own calculations about her digits and it seemed to add up quite well, I must say, to give a handsome figure. Truly, my love for Pallavi begin at the toes and works it's way up to warmer heights.

This observation change the way I look at people for ever. Actually, I hardly look at people now-a-days. I observe at their toes instead. This is because I have recently discovered that the beauty of one's toes perfectly correlates with that of any other part of the body in question. The face is a special case in point. I am currently doing research on the nexus between toe movements and facial expressions.

On the day of the math exam (have you begun doubting my academic credentials already?), another incident worthy of mention took place. I spotted a set of toes that were attached to a body distributing question papers. They glistened in the dim light, were unobtrusive to the onlooker, subtle in approach, and looked royal when draped in sandals. I looked up. Notsurprisingly, I found a countenance to match the description.

I remember this beautiful Spanish girl in school, Beatrice de Benito ... I remember her toes even better. They speak volumes of the young woman; so fair that one may think they've been nibbled to the quick. It is a typical Spanish trait. Spanish Senoritas are known for their toes like boiled macaroni or freshly picked strawberries. The older ones are only dried grapes, though. de Benito's well manicured toes pose no contrast to her rose-coloured nose, I suppose.

To further put my findings to test, I stepped on Anjali's toes. She winced. I crushed them and she squealed. It's a breakthrough! You simply can't refute it. It's easy to see by now that the toe and the mind are directly related?

This finding could have a ground-breaking impact on our lives. Matrimonial columns can do away with immodest 'requirements' like caste, creed, complexion and cup-size (Oh, bear with me, matrimonials are the most profitable supplements in Indian newspapers). Just toe specifications would be enough information about the bride and would help eschew the usual marital jargon.