Prime
by Doug Hawley
2
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This is Julie Collins back
with our second interview with Dook, the
representative of the Yeti, or as they say, the
Angwin.
Collins – What has
happened since I last talked to you? I know that
you wanted to get agreement on an Angwin homeland.
Dook – There have been
bumps along the way, but we never thought that it
would be easy. We share with humans the idea that
we should hope for the best, expect the worst. We’ve
made little obvious progress towards our goal,
and there have been threats against us, mostly
against me. We know that we will prevail however.
Collins – Are you
doing something to protect yourself and your
people?
Dook – Yes, but I’ll
get to that later.
Collins – You are not
physically imposing. Do you have heavy weapons at
your disposal?
Dook – I’d rather
not say. We don’t want to give our enemies
too much information.
Collins – Can you give
us the specifics of various nations’
response to your proposal?
Dook – I mentioned one
of our retrogrades in the first interview. He is
now the president of a powerful country. His
response was highly negative:
“I’ve cast my lot
with the humans and renounce the sad yeti people.
You are small in all ways. It would be against
our interest to grant you any sovereignty. With
the rapid climate change, there may come a time
when iron, coal and even gold may be mined where
you live. I want the opportunity to extract
whatever lies under your land. If that means that
you must move, we can just set you up in North
Dakota. It ought to look like home to you and I
could use more workers on the pipeline.”
That was the formal
response, which had more than 140 characters.
Shortly thereafter, we received a tweet.
“I might reconsider if
you would introduce me to some of the yeti women.”
Collins - How about your
neighbors?
Dook - That was not a
surprise at all. Most if not all of the countries
in our region are concerned about giving up a
square centimeter of land, regardless of its
value. India, Pakistan, China, Nepal all have
been arguing over the extent of their territory.
Each turned us down flat. The Tibet
representative said that he would be glad to
negotiate after Tibet got home rule, which isn’t
likely to happen unless the China government
changes.
Collins - And other
countries?
Dook - Most of them are in
favor of our home rule, which is easy to
understand. I can’t imagine that what
happens here would affect Uruguay at all, so they
get to play the good guys at no cost.
Collins – So, does all
of this that mean that you give up?
Dook – Not at all. I
mentioned the retrogrades in our last interview.
They are Angwin mutants with brains like Angwin,
bodies like humans. It is odd that those who have
seen me on TV are perfectly willing to accept the
existence of normal Angwin, but not our
retrogrades. Those who oppose us seem to have
forgotten that the retrogrades with their
superior intelligence and human looks can support
our cause without being detected.
The water supply in several
major cities in countries that oppose us have
experienced a barely detectible sweetness in
their water supply – Beijing, Mumbai and
Chicago to name a few. The little bit of sugar in
the water caused no harm, but what if our
retrogrades had put something else in the water?
The rulers in the countries that are against us
should think about the possibilities. We have no
interest in causing harm, but we insist on what
is owed to us.
We will get our homeland.
Those that signed on early will receive the
benefit of our agricultural and medical secrets
which will greatly aide their societies. Those
that acquiesce later lose.
Collins – I’m
pleased to hear of your future success. What else
has been happening?
Dook – There are
organizations that want to attack our territory
on either speciest or aggressive grounds. It
shouldn’t be necessary to repeat that they
cannot depend on any of their members not to be
double agents. Additionally, our homes are nigh
impregnable, and we have efficient weapons.
Suffice to say – save yourself a lot of
blood and forget it. Further, anyone attempting
to make good on threats on my life is as good as
dead.
A very sad note is the
interest in displaying one of us as the “Hottentot
Venus” that was done a century ago. If you
don’t know about that shameful spectacle, I
suggest that you look it up. To be clear, we do
not take part in any degrading demonstration for
any amount of money.
Collins – You mention
“speciest”. What do you consider
yourselves?
Dook – We are “homo
angwin”. Same questionable genus name, but
different species.
Collins - You’ve
revealed some very dangerous schemes. Is there
any good news?
Dook - Since our interview,
I’ve been in touch with Doug Hawley who has
the famous sasquatch photo. He has convinced me
that it is legitimate.
Collins – Anything
else?
Dook – I have some
very good news. While we have no interest in
exploitation, I have a great singing voice in
both pure Angwin and Western styles. My versions
of ’60 songs like “Roll With It”
and “Sledgehammer” put the originals to
shame. My agent can be reached at 503-555-1234 in
Lake Oswego Oregon.
Collins – Despite the
power of this interview, I fear that we must quit
for now. No time for closing statements or
questions from the audience. I hope that everyone
comes back for our next interview when we can
talk about the Angwin homeland. This will be
rebroadcast and dvds are available.
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